WHY I NEVER WASH

A pastor, apparently disgusted with the excuses some parishioners gave for not attending worship services, included the following "Reasons Why I Never Wash" in the Sunday bulletin:

• I was forced to wash as a child.
• People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they're cleaner than everybody else.
• There are so many different kinds of soap -- I can't decide which one is best.
• I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
• I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
• None of my friends wash.
• I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
• I can't spare the time to wash.
• I don't wash because the bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
• People who make soap are only after your money.
• I don't like the songs people sing in the bathroom.
• I can clean myself perfectly well whenever I pass a sink, so I don't need a bathtub.
• I know how to stay clean without washing.
• The last time I washed, someone was rude to me.
• I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad.
• I don't believe in soap.  I sat beside a whole case of it for an hour once, and nothing happened.
• Washing was invented by people who had no knowledge of science.
• If people saw me washing without my makeup, they would laugh at me.
• I'm so dirty now that if I washed, the drain would clog.
• Cats, dogs, and chickens never wash, and they're perfectly happy.
• Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty.
• If I start washing again, my friends will think I am trying to conform to middle-class standards.
• Washing is for women and children.
• Washing is for people much dirtier than I am.
• I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me.
• I only believe in things I can see, and I can't see bacteria.
• Children need to see that it is OK to be different.
• Washing may have been OK in my grandfather's day, but it's not practical in today's world.  I need to look dirty, talk dirty, and fight dirty to survive.
• I watch other people washing on TV.
• There are lots of clean people who never wash.
• I just moved here six years ago and haven't had a chance to wash.
• I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again!
• I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom.
• I never wash when I have company.
• Washday is the only day I have to sleep in.
• My wife washes enough for the whole family
• I know a lot of people who wash but don't act very clean.