SOME REALLY BAD PUNS
THE FLOWER SHOP
Some
friars living in a Scottish monastery were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small flower shop to raise the funds to pay for the bell.
Since everyone in town liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the
rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
The competitor asked the good bothers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He then asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the
flower business. They ignored her
as well.
Finally, in desperation, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" the friars to close up shop. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he would return if they didn't close up for good. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving the old adage:
THE SURGEON
A
surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close. Suddenly, the patient opened his eyes, sat up, and demanded
to know what was going on.
"I'm
just about to close," the surgeon said.
The patient grabbed the
surgeon's hand and
said, "I'm not going to let you do that!
I'll close the incision!"
The doctor handed him the thread and said, "Suture self."
THE PASTOR AND THE GHOST
There
was a new pastor who wanted to rent a house in the country. The only house
available was rumored to be haunted. Since the pastor didn't believe in such
things, he went ahead and rented the place.
It
wasn't long before the ghost made its
appearance. The pastor told his friends and parishioners about the ghost, but
they didn’t believe him. They
told him the only way they would believe was if he could take a picture of the
ghost and show it to them.
The pastor went home and called for the
ghost. When it appeared, he
explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture
taken. The ghost agreed and the
pastor took its picture. In fact,
he took several just to be safe.
When the film was developed, the ghost
wasn't visible at all in any of the shots.
Feeling very disappointed, the pastor called again for the ghost.
When it appeared, he showed the ghost all the pictures and wanted to know
why it didn't show up in any of them.
The ghost thought a minute and replied, "the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."
ABRAHAM AND HIS COMPUTER
One day Abraham was busy installing
Windows XP on his old PC.
"But father," said Isaac,
"you don't have enough memory to run that version of Windows!"
"Don't worry, my son," replied Abraham. "God himself will provide the RAM."
THE
POOR PAINTER
Once
there was a painter who was very poor. When
his parish church needed repainting, the church elders got together to decide
whom to hire to do the job. They
got several bids from various painters to do the work, including the poor
painter. The elders considered all
the bids and offered the job the poor painter because his bid was a reasonable
one. Besides, he was a member of
their congregation and needed the work. So the poor painter bought paint for the job and set to work.
When
he got about three quarters of the church painted, he realized that he wouldn't have enough paint to finish. Since
his bid was about as low as he could go, he knew he couldn’t buy any more
paint if he wanted to make a profit on this job.
So he decided to add some thinner to his paint so that it would spread further.
When he got about half of the remainder done, he concluded that he would
have to add some more thinner to what was left of his paint. So he did and just managed to finish the rest the church.
That
night a terrible storm came to the town. When
the poor painter was awakened by the sound of thunder and pouring rain, he knew
that the thinned paint would be washed off the church.
The painter panicked and he realized that he had betrayed the trust put
in him by the church elders and the rest of the congregation.
As
soon as the morning arrived, the poor painter rushed out of the house to the
church. His heart sank when he saw all of the thinned paint covering the lawn in front of the
church. Filled with shame and
humiliation, he fell to his knees in prayer.
"Dear Lord," he prayed, "please forgive me and help me to
see the error of my ways."
Just then, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see the pastor standing over him. As the poor painter looked up, the pastor said to him, "Repaint and thin no more!"