CHRISTIAN JOKES - PART 1

BATS IN THE BELFRY

Three pastors were having lunch at a diner.

The first one said, "You know, since the summer started I've been having a lot of trouble with bats in the loft and attic at my church.  I've tried everything -- noise, spray, cats -- nothing seems to scare them away."

The second pastor replied, "Me too.  I've got hundreds of those things living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.  I had the whole place fumigated, but they still won’t go away."

The third pastor then said, "I had that problem a while ago.  So I baptized them and made them members of the church.  Haven't seen one back since!"

THE ARMY OF THE LORD

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands with the people as they were leaving.  He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.  The preacher said to him, "Brother, you need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, preacher."

The preacher looked puzzled and asked, "How come I don't see you in church except at Christmas and Easter?"

My friend whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." 

CAUGHT IN A FLOOD

A man caught in a flood prayed to God for help.  While he was on his knees praying, a police officer came to the door and offered to evacuate him, but he said, "No thanks, officer.  I'll stay here.  God will deliver me," and resumed his prayers.

Then a person in a rowboat came by as the waters were rising and offered to take the man to safety.  The man replied, "No thanks, friend.  I'll stay here.  God will deliver me," and continued praying to the Lord for help.

The waters continued to rise and the man had to climb onto his roof.  At last a helicopter came with a ladder and the pilot told him to climb aboard.  The man again refused and said, "No thanks!  I'll stay here.  I know that God will deliver me," all the while sitting on the roof and earnestly praying to be delivered.  Finally the waters covered him and he drowned.

After he got to heaven, the man told God how disappointed he was that God didn't answer his prayers.  God said, "What do you mean I didn’t answer?  I sent a police officer, a rowboat, and a helicopter.  What else did you want?"

THE YOUNG PASTOR

A young pastor, fresh from the seminary, was asked by a local funeral director to hold a graveside service for someone with no family or friends.  Of course, he agreed.

Taking his duties very seriously, the pastor started early the next morning to the cemetery.  However, he quickly got himself lost and made several wrong turns.  When he finally arrived (over an hour late), the hearse was nowhere to be seen and the workmen were eating lunch.  He got out of his car, quickly threw on his vestments, and hurried to the open grave.  Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already in place.  With a sigh, he took out his prayer book and read the burial service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Maybe we should tell him it's a septic tank."