MOM'S DICTIONARY

BABY
1. Dad, when he gets a cold.
2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM
A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE
Mom's reason for making kids do things that can't be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST
Two things the kids never make.

CAR POOL
A complicated system of transportation where Mom ends up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have consumed the most sugar.

COUCH POTATO
What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE
Rare outing with Dad during which Mom worries about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS
Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUMBWAITER
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

DUST RAG
See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR
Place where kids store dirt.

EAT
What kids do between, but not during, meals.

ENERGY
Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until Mom asks them to do something.

EYE
The highly susceptible optic nerve, which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FEEDBACK
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained beets.

FOOD
The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"  See also "SARCASM."

FULL NAME
What you call your child when you're really mad.

GENIUSES
All of Mom's kids.

HAMPER
A wicker container surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES
Pants, shirt sleeves, drapes, etc.

HEARSAY
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a naughty word.

HINDSIGHT
What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

ICE
Cubes of frozen water that would be found in small plastic tray if the kids or Dad ever filled the things instead of just putting them back in the freezer empty.

INDEPENDENT
How Mom wants her children to be as long as they do everything she tells them.

JUNK
Dad's stuff.

KISS
Mom medicine.

LEMONADE STAND
Complex business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers, and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

MAYBE
No.

OCEAN
What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for the kids.

OPEN
The position of kids' mouths when they eat in front of company.

WHODUNIT
None of the kids that live in Mom's house.

WHOOPS
An expression Mom uses that translates roughly into "Quick, get a sponge!"