EXCERPTS FROM "THE BOOK OF MOM"

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7

CHAPTER 1
Laws Concerning Unclean Plates

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.  Otherwise, you shall not.

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:  if you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas, with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.  But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity.  And I will know, and you shall have no dessert, for am I not Mom, and have I not spoken?

CHAPTER 2
Laws When at Table

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.  Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me.  Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, place not your feet upon the table.  For your feet upon the table are an abomination to me, and worthy of rebuke¹.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, neither fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away from my presence.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck, for you will surely be sent away from my presence.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within.  I say to you, do not do so, though your brother or your sister has done the same to you.  It will not be well with you if you do so.

Eat your food only.  Do not eat that which is not food, neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips.  I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.  And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.

When at table, sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.  Heed Mom, for if you sit like that, your hair will surely go down into the syrup².  And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

[1] or The table is an abomination and worthy of rebuke, on account of your feet.
[2] or possibly gravy.

CHAPTER 3
On Screaming

Do not scream.  For it is as though you scream all the time.  If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand.  But I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.

Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning¹ has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming.  Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you to faint even unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose.  For even though I have not made the fish as it should be, behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.  I, Mom, have spoken.

[1] tartar sauce in some manuscripts.

CHAPTER 4
On Forbidden Places¹

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of quiescently frozen desserts, and of all frozen after-meal treats, you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.  Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.

O, but if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something on TV, then may you eat in the living room -- not!

[1] This chapter is an acrostic poem; the verses of each stanza begin with the same letter.

CHAPTER 5
Concerning Face and Hands

Cast your countenance toward the light, and lift up your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off, for the stains are upon you.  Even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.

And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.

Only hold yourself still and know that I am Mom.  Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb.  Lo, how iniquitous they appear to my eyes.

What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.  I am Mom.  I have spoken.

CHAPTER 6
Sundry Ordinances

This is what Mom says:  Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.  Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind.  Rub not your feet on bread, even if it be in the package, nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building.  Neither eat any sand nor dirt, nor pour the same upon the cat.

Verily, leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done to you that you should so afflict it with scotch tape?  And hum not that humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book.  Indeed, you will drive me to madness.  Nor forget what I said about the tape.

CHAPTER 7
Lamentations

O my children, why are you disobedient?  For when I tell you what you must do, you dispute hotly, even to the smallest detail; and when I do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick.  Yes, and even sometimes do you spit, and shout "stupid-head" and other wickedness, and hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner.

And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger.  But upon being sent to the corner you ask straight-away, "Can I come out?" and I reply, "No, you may not come out."  And again you ask, and again I give the same reply.  But when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.

Hear me, O my children, for the bills they oppress me.  I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than before.

For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty talents¹ twelve times in a year.  But even this covers not the deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year.  And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth within your mouth, on account of the co-payments.  Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for surely you cannot know.

For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of the month with the bills and great whining and moaning.  And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn and howl and rend my receipts, even my various deductions.

And you shall remember that I am Mom, before, after, and until you are twenty-one.  Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.  Tempt me not, or suffer pain you might.

[1] About three thousand drachma, give or take a lepton.